if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
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I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
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It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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