She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Enjoy the penises
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
