dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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