Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
