I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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