not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
