Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
