They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
