my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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