stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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