i need an iv and a liver transplant
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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