His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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