Umm I'm too high to move.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
