I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
