yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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