"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
