Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
