Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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