I'm so fucking centered right now
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
