My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
