My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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