I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
