omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
