FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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