im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Acid is not a monday night drug
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
