I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
