i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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