chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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