I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
