When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
