Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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