Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
