I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
