I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
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Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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