I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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