he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
