he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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