So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
