new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
