My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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