Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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