Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
