Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
