can u get pink eye on your cock?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
