i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
