Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
