i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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