I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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