I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
