Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
