I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
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My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
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I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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