i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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