I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
