Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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