I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
