I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
