I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
