big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
