You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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