Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
