By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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